research that hits home
One of the first things that got me interested in research about childcare was the National Institute of Health's large longitudinal study about the impact of daycare on children. The NICHD SECCYD (Study of Early Child Care and Youth Development) study looked at how children have been affected by both the type and quantity of childcare they experience. This study is large and has many many fascinating pearls, but over the next few weeks, I want to discuss just one: The Positive Caregiving Checklist.
The Positive Caregiving Checklist is a list of "process features." Process features, unlike more objectively measurable "regulable features" like teacher/student ratio, can be difficult to measure. Process features include whether caregivers are mostly happy and engaged or, by contrast, negative and punitive. Do they read to the children in their classrooms, or do they spend the day on their cell phones?
The checklist was developed to assess behaviors of caregivers in formal childcare settings, but it struck me that it's also a great set of guidelines for parents. Despite the best intentions, it's sometimes hard at the end of a long week, long day and long commute to be the kind of parent we want to be. The Positive Caregiving Checklist is now posted on my refrigerator, as a reminder of what to do and what not to do to make the moments with my children positive and meaningful.
In the next few posts, I'll discuss items on the Positive Caregiving Checklist and how I am trying to adapt them in our family.
Showing a positive attitude:
Sometimes it's just about slowing down and remembering they won't be little forever.
SHOWING A POSITIVE ATTITUDE
How many times have we interacted with someone who is having a bad day or recently went through a negative experience and, after our interaction with them, we are left with the impression that they're either angry at us or don't like us? I wonder how often our children assume that our negativity (in the form of sighing, rushing, being quick to anger, or using sharp words) is about them? Just this morning, I was taking my children to daycare. I was running behind and knew that I had a packed day ahead of me. As we were getting out of the car and getting ready to walk into school, my daughter (three-and-a-half, going on thirty), insisted on buckling her baby doll into her car seat. If you've ever been around a car seat, you know that even for a relatively dexterous adult, car seat buckles and snaps can be challenging. They are even more so for three-and-a-half year olds. I tried my best to be patient but finally snapped at her saying, "Mommy has to get to work!" Instead, I wish that I had validated and applauded my daughter's burgeoning caregiving skills. She cared enough about her baby doll to want her to be strapped safely into her car seat, and the extra two or three minutes really didn't matter in the vast scheme of things. In this case, I think my daughter was doing a better job of being a mom than I was. It was a reminder to me that showing a positive attitude is often just about slowing down, and keeping the stresses of work or finances or marriage or whatever else separate from the interactions we have with our children.
Sometimes, I think this one is about "faking it 'til you make it." But I also believe that showing genuine engagement and interest in what my children are doing and saying, making sure I am enthusiastic and give them huge hugs when we part or reunite, and giving them focused attention (aka, not staring into a cell phone) are a few ways to show a positive attitude. If nothing else works, I try to remind myself that these years are short and I know with certainty that I will miss them when they are gone.
Positive touch
teaching by example
POSITIVE PHYSICAL CONTACT
As a physical therapist and former massage therapist, I'm particularly conscientious about how I touch my children. I am always hugging them, rubbing their backs, holding their hands and, in general, providing positive touch. Where this typically breaks down for me is when my two children fail to use positive touch with each other. Sometimes this happens unintentionally. My daughter will sometimes very enthusiastically give my one-and-a-half year old son a hug around his neck that is so tight and so fierce I'm worried his head will pop off. My reaction in these instances is usually an instinctual and not very positive removal of one child from the other. While I don't think there's anything wrong with ensuring my son's safety, I also think that parents model behavior--often far more than we realize--for our children. If I model a non-gentle touch to my daughter, how will she understand to be gentle with her brother?
One of the best strategies for modeling positive touch is to learn infant massage. Several years ago, I became trained as an infant massage educator. Though I'd performed massage for many years, even on some infants in the Neonatal ICU, this training allowed me to teach community classes. Over the four or five weeks of each class, I watched parents grow in their confidence to manage their children and watched the bond between them and their infants deepen. When I had my son, I did infant massage with him, and--coincidentally or not--he has turned out to be one cuddly guy.
RESPOND TO VOCALIZATIONS & ASK QUESTIONS
My daughter began speaking early and, as my husband and I joke, hasn't stopped since. I think that talking to her, as we would talk to anyone else, made a significant difference in this area. We never used baby talk or made-up words. We just talked to her. Sometimes, now, we'd like to stop talking. In particular, my daughter loves to ask questions--so constantly that we occasionally have to beg for a five-minute "question break." Nevertheless, we're delighted that she is so well-spoken and feels confident talking to children and adults. The challenge we face now is that our son, who is just learning his first ten or fifteen words, can barely get a word in. When I am alone with him, I try to be mindful about helping him acquire language. Sometimes it helps me to designate a theme. For example, last week I decided to work on colors. We have a few books that are color focused, so I brought those into our nightly reading rotation and tried to emphasize naming the colors clearly. In a perfect world--a world where I am organized and my hair looks nice every day--I'd follow this up with some toys and activities, like sorting games, that reinforce the colors. But...one step at a time.
Do you have strategies to incorporate positive caregiving into your family's life? Leave a comment and share your great ideas with others.
