Help a Young Family This Holiday

streamline

do less. live more.

If I'm being completely honest, I don't really look forward to December. The holidays are a time to be with family, to step back from work, a time to sing nostalgic songs and view tacky, beautiful displays of Christmas lights. These are the good parts. But it's also a time of overkill, long days filled with to-ing and fro-ing (exhausting for this introvert), mandatory picture-taking and, worst, the expectation to both give and receive a whole lot more STUFF. All I see when the ribbons come off are more things I'll have to pick up off the floor, more things I'll have to clean, more things I'll have to buy batteries for, and more things I'll eventually have to take to the thrift store. What I see is a whole lot of chores wrapped up in paper that I'll have to pick up and push into the already overflowing recycling bin. I know, I know...I'm basically the Grinch in yoga pants. But...

I would wager that there are a lot of mothers out there who feel the same. After all, we are typically the ones who manage the home (one day this will change...a woman will be president, we'll earn a dollar for every dollar, and men will feel pressured to send holiday cards.) Until then, consider this a modest proposal to ease the burden on young families (and harried mothers) this holiday season.

Listen 

Most specifically, listen when someone tells you, "Our kids don't really need anymore stuff." Translation: "I'm drowning in stuff. Stuff is the thing that kills my back at the end of long day because I'm picking up 100 pieces of it...the same 100 pieces of it that I picked up an hour ago. Stuff means more chores, more errands, more arguments about whose toy it is, and less time for me to actually look into my children's eyes and enjoy them."

happily every after

glass slipper to rubber gloves

Sure, it's fun to buy toys. I get that. And grandparents and doting aunts and uncles deserve the privilege to spoil children with every battery-operated princess castle they can find. All I ask is that when purchasing said princess castle remember that somebody picks up all those princesses, and replaces those batteries, and repairs the plastic bed when it gets thrown across the room by an angry toddler. (Full disclosure: this princess castle exists and my kids love it. All the above chores are also real, but this gift was a pretty even trade.)

Think Small

If you must purchase toys, my humble suggestion is to think small (but not too small, see next paragraph). We live in a VERY small house. I've been given arm chairs, a giant inflatable crab, a teddy bear that is just as big, and more. Think about it, you wouldn't bring someone a couch as a hostess gift, right? Why does it seem OK to provide something that is as bulky (proportionally) for someone's child (who, let's be real, contributes nothing to the mortgage payment)?

Think small

and less ominous

Ditto for the toys with a million tiny parts. Do you know what toddlers do with those toys? Best case scenario: they dump them all on the floor, say "Uh oh" and then walk away. Worst case scenario: they force feed them to their little brother, who then chokes on them. When choosing toys, as in so many other things, it is best to choose the middle path.

Less is more. I think sometimes we see a toy that sparks a flash of wistful envy--"I would have loved that as a little girl"--and buy it for a beloved child in our life. See ominous rocking owl above. What I've observed, though, is that often my kids play the least with those types of toys. Simple things (see box of necklaces and tray with coins and wallet below), on the other hand, hold their interest for much longer. Why? I think it has something to with all the fun being done already in these fancy toys--all those bells and whistles leave no role for the child. I think when we look back and imagine what we would have loved as children, we are still looking back with the eyes of an adult, eyes that don't see quite as purely. How's that for wistful nostalgia?

less is more

simple toys leave room for fun

Spend Wisely

The impulse to give and share is a beautiful human urge (and since many of our urges are not so kind, I'm all for this one). But in my mind, true esteem isn't demonstrated through a pile of presents under a tree. It's about thoughtfulness, generosity, shared time, and shared experience or by lessening the burdens of people we care about. When offering a gift to children or young families, think about the ways to give most meaningfully: contribute to a child's college fund (and reduce a parent's anxiety about the future), take the kids to the park or a cool museum and deposit in the bank of memories with them, or babysit and give exhausted parents some time to reconnect.

spend wisely

give time, experiences, & help

Offer specific Help...and Then Actually Help

I can't overemphasize how grateful I am just to get some good old fashioned help. Working full time, rearing two small children, and managing a home all add up to an incredible amount of work. Some of the best holiday gifts our family receives are: our awesome babysitter, who is amazing with our kids but somehow also manages to tidy the house, do the dishes and fold our laundry while she's here; our in-laws who take it upon themselves to cook holiday dinners; our in-laws again, who offer to babysit so that my husband and I can spend time together. A good friend of mine shared that when her father-in-law visits, he always brings his tools so he can make small repairs for them. Go, Dad. These things aren't just beneficial for the parents, they reduce the stress in the whole home, which benefits everyone in it. 

In her book Option B, Sheryl Sandberg talks about the value of those around her who offered specific help, or even better those who just helped, after her husband died suddenly. When well-meaning friends and family asked, "How can I help?" it placed the burden on an already burdened grieving single parent. When someone showed up with a lasagna, that actually helped.

best toy ever

my toddlers WANT to clean!!

Respect the Schedule

Families with young children wake up very early. The "it's still dark" kind of early. By eleven o'clock or noon, when most normal people are finally feeling like greeting the world, these parents are just trying to keep it together until they and their children can collapse in the relief of nap time. Nap time is when I reboot and recharge. It's also the only time I can spend uninterrupted with my husband.

Similarly, dinner and bedtime happen early, like "senior citizen special" early. When a parent says, "We eat at 6," they mean, "Those dimples go nuclear at 6:05." Parents of young children, especially parents of infants, treat naps and bedtime as if they are sacred because they are. To ensure a happy holiday for everyone, don't be the visitor that interrupts nap time or bedtime. 

A Heart 3 Sizes Too Small

Even the Grinch converted in the end. Maybe this will happen to me too. Until then, or until both of my children sleep consistently through the night and get dressed without Israeli/Palestine-level negotiations, all I want for Christmas is...not very much at all.