Unruffled

quality time

moments that matter

I had some difficulty deciding which category fit this post best. Do I want to talk about Janet Lansbury’s book No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame (Story Time) or do I want to talk about her podcast Unruffled (Streamline)? Well, I want to talk about both. Both book and podcast offer practical advice—the former if you have a bit more time to settle in with a good book, the latter if you need your parenting pep talk while you multi-task—on how to improve our lives as parents while simultaneously improving our relationship with our kids. Thus, I settled on Quality Time.

First a little about Lansbury: A former child actor and model, Janet Lansbury’s bio reads as a classic tale of a child who grew up too fast. This life experience—in addition to her struggles as a new mother—led her to a lifelong interest in advocating for children. She began taking classes from the Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE) organization and eventually became a RIE Associate and a certified Parent/Infant Guidance Class instructor.

No Bad Kids

Lansbury’s book, No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame is an easy read and a fairly short book. It’s divided into short chapters on topics such as “My Toddler Won’t Follow Directions” (sound familiar?). Most chapters—like many of the Unruffled podcast episodes—feature a brief list of tips or thoughts followed by a practical application to a real-life question from one of Lansbury’s parent students/readers/listeners.

“A person’s a person, no matter how small.””

— Dr. Seuss, from "Horton Hears a Who"

Lansbury dubs her approach “respectful parenting,” a concept I can heartily get down with. In fact, it’s one of my talking points as a professor of pediatric physical therapy that when we are working with children, we are working with small people. Part of our responsibility—and our privilege—as teachers, caregivers, parents, and therapists is to provide the environment and support to help them grow into their best selves.

That doesn’t mean I always do it right.

Parent-child Photo by Matt Hoffman on Unsplash

Boundaries

Perhaps one of my favorite aspects of Lansbury’s philosophy is that the respect goes both ways. It’s not simply that we’re giving our kids respect, it’s that we’re insisting (respectfully, of course ;) that they treat us with respect too. Here are just a few pointers I’ve picked up from her:

1. When you become irritated, it’s typically a sign that a limit has been pushed. This is an insight I came to on my own only a few months ago, so it resonated when I read the idea in Lansbury’s book. I was sitting in the rocking chair reading my son his bedtime stories. On one hand, his demands for one more book seemed so reasonable—what Mom doesn’t want to read her beautiful, sweet son another bedtime story? And yet…I knew I was tired and out of juice to give anything more to anyone else. I read the one more book, but I didn’t feel good about it and I am sure I was pretty cranky. It struck me later that the kinder thing would have been to just say, “No, mommy’s too tired.” Because that was the truth.

2. Act like a CEO (or a superhero). A CEO (at least the one we imagine in our heads) is calm, confident, self-assured, successful, and in charge. They are there to help, there to support and develop the people who work for their company, and they lead the company smoothly and unapologetically. Now substitute CEO for parent, workers for kids, and company for family, and throw on a cape.

3. When kids act up, they are often unsure (which means you might be too). Daycare drop-off is the bane of my existence. My kids always cling, they always cry. I empathize. I remember when my Mom dropped me off at preschool: It felt like I was being ripped from her arms. I missed her terribly. Yes, I played and got into the swing of the day. But I would have always rather been with her. I think of those things when I drop my kids at school, and subtly, they must feel it. I’m not saying I’ve discovered the secret to drop-off, but I have noticed that when I’m more confident in my choice to work full-time and when I make drop-off shorter and more matter-of-fact, they do seem to do a little better. The jury is still out on this one.

4. Don’t distract as a form of discipline. Of all the tips and tools in Lansbury’s book, this is the one I follow the least. In fact, I teach distraction as a means of behavior management for new physical therapists learning to keep kids on task during therapy sessions. Lansbury’s point, however, is a good one. You don’t teach kids the rules—or teach them how to sustain attention, for that matter—when you simply distract them, rather than explain to them that a certain activity is off limits or unappreciated. I’m on the fence as to whether I will abandon distraction in all instances. In some cases you just need to get on with things, but this is definitely an idea I’m going to sit with and consider more.

“So when my kids are angry, sad, frustrated, winding up or melting down, I imagine myself donning a superhero suit equipped with a protective shield that deflects even the fiercest, most irritating emotional outbursts. It makes me feel confident and capable and inspires me to rise above the fray. Just reaching for my superhero suit helps me to take a step out of myself and gain a clearer perspective.”

— Janet Lansbury, from "No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame"

Do you have a favorite source of parenting advice? Share your thoughts in the Comments section below.

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