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moments that matter

My Frugal Obsession

If you know this blog or you know me personally you know that I have some unique “guilty pleasures.” For some it’s binge-watching reality television shows, romance novels, shoe shopping, or reading up on celebrity gossip. For me, it’s self-improvement. Give me a good self-help book or podcast, and I’m entertained for weeks. I’ve also got a thing for minimalism, and went through a big Tiny House (oxymoron alert!) phase (which my family sort of embraced by buying a 1978 Trillium Camper that is our back-up, back-up, back-up plan if things truly fall apart.) My latest obsession is with frugality. Though, honestly, it has sort of been an obsession since, well, I was a twenty-something who spent her grocery money on clothes or expensive dinners out. You know where that led me? To being very, very hungry.

In the past year, I’d say I’ve been on something of a frugality bender, ever since reading the classic book Your Money or Your Life. As the title indicates, this book asks readers to figure out the value of their money in hours of life.

Simplicity, minimalism, recycling and upcyling have appealed to me for a long time, and all I can say is that I have a bit of a thing about waste. To be clear, I am guilty of plenty of wastefulness…plenty. Since having children I have routinely committed the environmental sins of disposable diapers, paper plates (compostable, but still) , and paper towels. These aren’t choices I feel good about, but my life just feels too busy to do otherwise. I think aging and having children has also given me a wider view. More and more I’m cognizant of the imbalance in the world, how privileged my family and I are, and how our actions and choices don’t come freely, even if they appear to do so. Someone, somewhere pays the cost of my next-day Amazon delivery and all those paper plates. That someone might even be my own family, twenty or thirty years down the road. It feels like it’s time to give back to the world, and not only that, it feels important to model a consciousness about such choices to my kids. But man is it hard in a busy, busy life.

Of all the things I most worry about wasting, though, it’s time that tops the list. Not the ten minutes at the stoplight so much but, rather, the days of my life.

Recently, I’ve been particularly into the blog Frugalwoods which I learned about, in a somewhat round-about fashion, from Your Money or Your Life’s description of the FIRE movement. FIRE stands for Financial Independence Retire Early (sounds awesome, right?). Frugalwoods chronicles the journey of a young couple (who then evolved into a family of three, then four) from your standard mocha-latte-sipping twenty-somethings to financially independent thirty-somethings homesteading and blogging on a large piece of land in rural Vermont. It doesn’t hurt that “Mrs. Frugalwoods” is, like me, a mom of two little kids trying to work out a career, motherhood, marriage, and money.

Work With Meaning

One of my major New Year’s resolutions this year is to write a book. (More on resolutions in a moment.) The bad news is, I’ve had this resolution before. The good news is that I have written part of the book already and I have actually written (very poor) drafts of two different books before. It can be done. Dare I say, it WILL be done?!?!

I have always had inner conversations regarding my work and its meaning, for myself and for the world. Such conversations led me to leave the publishing industry and pursue a career in physical therapy. As a physical therapist, I never doubted that my work was important or impactful. People were doing pretty badly, and then I helped them, and their health and their life became better. Now that I seldom practice clinically, and spend most of my professional time teaching in a physical therapy program, I struggle with the distance between myself and the impact. Yes, I’m training those who will go out an make an impact, but I no longer get to see those first steps after a major accident, or a stroke, or the first steps EVER. The struggle to find meaning in my work became more acute after having children, and a debate wages within me daily: Does what I do matter? Does it matter more than spending this time with my children, who will only ever be little this once?

Fortunately or unfortunately, whether my work matters is no longer the only question. There are also the questions of who will pay the mortgage and who will send my kids to college (or whatever professional training they seek out). The answers are both more and less clear than they were when I flew solo. Now the conversation becomes, how can I do something meaningful in the context of what I’m already doing? That’s focused my work back on children, and on caregivers—parents and teachers—in a way that feels uniquely my own: other soapboxes are too big or too small, or too hard or too soft, but this one is just right.

What Does This Have to Do With Thrift Stores?

I love thrift store shopping (and somewhat despise Christmas shopping, as you can read about in my previous rants about the holidays). For me, thrift store shopping is one tenth shopping and nine tenths creative adventure. But, as I’ve been pondering many things in my life, I realize that—for me—it’s also about meaning. Frugality and minimalism and, yes, thrift store shopping are all about slowing down the cycle of meaningless consumption. Recently, the Wall Street Journal ran a piece about people pulling things out of the trash and reselling them on Amazon. The intended point of the story was to reveal Amazon’s lack of vetting for re-sellers. But, for me, the point was a little different. The exercise illustrated that we’re all so trapped in cycles of consumption that we buy stuff only to throw it away and buy it again. I’m guilty of this, for sure. If I weren’t, our garage wouldn’t need the cleaning it desperately needs right now (Hello, $120 hiking backpack and toddler carrier we used twice….turns out two-year-olds are MASSIVELY heavy.) More and more, I have become aware of the thoughtless cycles I engage in, and I want to change them in lieu of a better-considered life.

Which brings me to sugar. I have something of a sweet tooth, but nothing like some other members of my family. I can’t really eat dairy, so ice cream is out, and I’m not a fan of candy unless it’s chocolate. I will, however, murder a puppy for a chocolate chip cookie…just kidding, but, I’m a big fan (of both chocolate chip cookies and puppies.) Nevertheless, I eat far too many sweets. I eat them not because I love them but because I’m a busy, busy lady, and when I don’t have time to prepare or eat a proper meal, something sweet gives me a burst of energy than gets me through the next few minutes or next few hours (ditto on coffee). It’s sort of the food equivalent of buying something only to throw it away and buy it again, because after that chocolate chip granola bar wears off (35 minutes or so later), I will be hungry again and now more tired than before.

I don’t have a weight problem and probably never will. So my sugar ban isn’t about weight loss at all. But the more I read and learn, the more I recognize that sugar fuels all the wrong things in one’s body: from bacteria to cancer cells to insulin resistance. It’s also, personally, terrible for my mood because it causes sharp ups and downs in energy. This fall, my husband and I gave up alcohol (except on special occasions and date nights) for the same reason. We found we’d gotten into the habit of a glass of wine or a couple of beers nearly every night (because what day isn’t sort of hard?). While neither of those are particularly bad for one’s health and, in fact, might actually be good for heart health, they weren’t good for us. They made us more tired the next day and less patient with our kids. They’d become so habitual, there was nothing special or particularly meaningful about either of these “treats.”

My New Mantra

A few weeks ago, several large endeavors reached culmination for me. I finished taking two graduate courses and teaching my own. I got several papers published, applied to a large grant, completed work on a research project for which I’d previously won a grant, and I applied for promotion to the next level of the academic rung (which, BTW, took six months to complete…just the application!!). One morning, (maybe even on a weekend) my son (who is three) cornered me in the kitchen and said, “Mama, stop moving, I want to hug you.”

Despite completing “all the things” and finally having the opportunity to slow down, it was (is) quite hard to do. As the law of inertia tells us, it’s hard for bodies in motion to cease that motion, and my body is no exception. Luckily, exhaustion helps. To paraphrase my writer friend Katey Schultz (who has a new book, which you should definitely read and buy to support an artist and working mom!), “I stopped working from willpower and started working from within.” I have realized how much I force myself to do…not out of interest, not out of joy, NOT because I find it meaningful but just because I feel like I should. For so many reasons, this old modus operandi must change. So my new mantra is WORK SLOW (and really LIVE SLOW). The truth is, I still get things done, and I get the important things done even when I am able to be slow. I’m just a lot happier doing them.

My New Year’s Resolutions

While my feelings are somewhat ambivalent about Christmas, they are solidly in favor of New Year’s resolutions (probably not surprising for someone who loves self-help books). I develop resolutions every New Year’s. In some years I’ve had as many as twenty, but this year I’m boiling it down to just four.

Resolution #1: Stop complaining about my job (In fact, try to just stop complaining at all.)

My job has many, many benefits. I have wonderful coworkers, bright students, a supportive community, and lots of flexibility. I earn enough to be financially secure and I get health insurance and retirement benefits. Sometimes I even get to write for my living through scholarly research. Nevertheless, I have been known on occasion to complain about my job. I complain, first and foremost, about my long commute. I complain about students not measuring up to my expectations. I complain about what I perceive are injustices in teaching loads and responsibilities. I complain about paltry raises. But you know what? My complaining achieves nothing except to turn my mind or my conversation to a negative place. This year I want to strive not to complain, but rather to appreciate what’s good and take action on those things that truly need fixing.

Resolution #2: Limit sweets

I predict that this will actually be the hardest resolution of the year. Sugar has a real pull for me. It gives me a dose of energy and a dose of comfort in a matter of seconds. Circumventing this pull requires taking time to plan ahead and prepare for the inevitable 10 am hunger pangs (and the 11 am, and the 3 pm and the 8 pm…why does my metabolism drive like a Maserati?). The problem is, I’m planning ahead about SO MANY THINGS that, like many mothers, taking care of my health often gets demoted on the list. It will take serious work (and, I imagine, multiple attempts) to develop better habits around this resolution. I should also say that my intention is not to give up sweets entirely. Like our “Parental Prohibition,” I give myself permission to eat sweets on special occasions and date nights and in the presence of a truly well-made chocolate chip cookie. Those sweets can be savored and appreciated. It’s the mindless sweets I want to eliminate.

Resolution #3: Write a Book

My next hardest resolution because this, again, requires time and time’s corollary, focus. But, I’m going to give this one my darndest. And, if it doesn’t happen this year, so be it. It goes back on the list next year. More and more I’ve realized that (for me, at least) habits aren’t necessarily the things I do every day. They are the things I remind myself to pick up again—sometimes month after month or year after year—when I’ve dropped them. The key is not that I never drop them, it’s that I always pick them up again. I don’t exercise every day, and some weeks I don’t even meet the recommended amount of physical activity. But I always return to the attempt, and I believe I will throughout my life.

Resolution #4: Live Slow

When I find myself speeding up, I resolve to try to remind myself to just slow down. Life doesn’t need to be busy, and there’s little valor or pleasure in rocketing through a to-do list of meaningless activities and even less in rocketing through life.

As I pondered what to write this month and how all these separate things I’m thinking about cohere, the theme I eventually happened upon was this theme of meaning. Sometimes I get the impression that New Year’s Resolutions are burdensome for people, but I don’t feel that way at all. The New Year provides me with an opportunity to reflect on my life, consider whether the compass is pointing in the right direction, and shift course if not. In my mind, resolutions are an opportunity to investigate your own truths and navigate toward them. As I reflect on my truths and my search for meaning, some difficult questions come up. What is my role in family conflicts? What is my role in supporting the members of my family who are currently struggling? Is self-help helping me, or is it merely giving me the sensation of accomplishing something? Is my thrift store shopping hobby serving my financial goals or is it just mindless consumption in used clothing? What aspects of my job can I live with and which must change? What actions can I take—small or large—to steer my ship closer to true north in my work, in my life, in my family, in my home, in my friendships, and in the world.

Also, does anyone have a chocolate chip cookie?

Happy New Year from Daycare and Development! Do you have New Year’s Resolutions? Share them in the Comments Section below.

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Musings on a Meaningful Life