The Second Arrow
quality time
do less. live more.
There is a parable attributed to the Buddha that I think about often as a parent. I’ve heard it called the Parable of the Second Arrow. The idea is that we have a hurt or a misfortune and that causes us pain (the first arrow), but then we also suffer from the suffering, or rather the attachment to that suffering (the second arrow). Someone cuts you off in traffic. You experience the first arrow—the fear that a car is about to hit you, the jolt as you slam on the brakes. The second arrow is you (or maybe it’s only me) fuming about the incident the rest of the way down the road.
The second arrow hits me a lot as a parent, and as I’ve become more conscious of it, I’ve tried to stop it from zinging my way. Like many parents, I’ve got big aspirations for myself. I want to be a great mom all the time. I want my kids to be happy all the time. I want my husband to behave according to my rules of what good parents should do all the time. I want to perfectly balance work and family all the time. Even as I know, rationally, that these things are impossible.
The second arrow really flies my way when I yell at my kids, or give them the scary face. I can’t really describe the scary face, but trust me, my kids know it. I HATE it when I yell at my kids. Or, more accurately, I hate me when I yell at my kids. If things have gotten to the point that I’ve yelled, it means that I’ve totally lost my composure. Then I’m mad that I’ve gotten mad, and my kids are scared, frustrated, and upset, which makes absolutely nothing easier.
Photo by Zoltan Tasi on Unsplash
The Second Sting
As I’ve pondered the parable of the second arrow, I’ve come to a realization. It’s the second arrow that really harms my family. We all lose our tempers from time to time. I’m committed enough to my own ideal of parenting that there’s no escaping a feeling of regret when I lose my cool, and a little bit of regret is a good thing. It’s what keeps me always trying to do better.
What isn’t helpful is clinging to the regret, or the anger. Standing in the line of fire of the second arrow means that I’m looking for someone or something to blame for my blow-up. Sometimes it’s myself, sometimes it’s my family, sometimes it’s external circumstances. In most cases, however, attributing blame solves nothing. It only feeds the bad feeling in our home, which then leaves me operating from a negative place.
Photo by Courtney Kenady on Unsplash
What Works
I do think it’s important to take responsibility for acting in harmful ways. I’m not always able to do this in the moment, but I try to make a habit of it once I’m cooled down. What I’ve found works for me and my family is that, once I’m cooled down, I apologize to my kids and then explain (if I can) why I’ve lost my temper. Often, it’s something very simple: I’m tired, and my patience is worn out. (This is one reason why—even though doing the opposite would get me to work earlier and preserve my most mentally-fresh time of the day—I take my kids to school instead of picking them up. They’re so wired at the end of the day, and I have usually fought traffic for three hours. I know my own limits.)
Freeing myself from the second arrow let’s me be accountable with less shame. It also allows me to view the situation objectively and determine what has gone wrong, which in turn, allows me to change it next time.
Not Just For Parents
The insight of the second arrow has made me realize that I can also make family life better by not clinging to the suffering induced by others. I particularly keep this in mind with my children. If they’ve had a bad incident, or a bad morning, or a bad day, or a bad year (hello two…and three), when it’s over we simply start again. When we start again, we do so without arrows and without burdens from the past. Our past mistakes do not define us. What’s defines us is how we decide to move forward.
Have you been hit by the second arrow? How do you handle it? Share in the Comments section below.
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