How to Work When Your Child is Home Sick
Quality Time
moments that matter
Yesterday my son got off the school bus complaining of a headache. An hour later he was hot, vomiting, and whiny. I gave him some Tylenol and sent him to bed. He woke two hours later, took one bite of his favorite dinner, puked one more time for good measure, took a bath, and went to bed.
This morning he was the first one up, fully dressed and ready to attack the day. (He is the only morning person in our family). He’d had a negative Covid test, and was perky and temperature-free. Nevertheless, good conscience told me I should keep him home from school. Our morning routine is fairly rapid-fire, so if he got sick from his breakfast it would be the bus driver cleaning up the vomit and not me, and bus drivers work hard enough.
So what is a busy mom to do when there’s stuff to get done but also the most talkative coworker you could ever imagine stuck by your side for the entire workday? Assuming you can’t phone a friend, partner, family member, or paid caregiver (if you can, by all means, do!), I’ll share what worked for us.
This box entertained my son longer than anything else all day
Accept the Day for What It Is (aka. the hardest part).
When my son was wailing that he wanted to go to school while I was trying to get my daughter (who was actually going to school) to put on her shoes instead of mothering her brother, I felt my frustration spill over the edge. My planner was full today…of not staying home with a sick child. But here I was struggling to even get shoes Velcroed. This day was not going according to plan.
After putting my daughter on the bus, I took advantage of a little quiet time in one of my favorite meditation spots (shhhh, please do not tell anyone)...my car. It is like a quiet, warm little bubble and, so far, no one knows (or cares) that I’m there. These unconventional and secret spaces can be gold for caregivers in need of a little time alone, and any other hidden space where you won’t be found will do: closet, laundry room, attic. Yes, I am telling you to hide. Don’t knock it because it works.
For a short ten minutes I sat in the car and prepared for my day. I called the school to report my son’s absence, sent a few emails, including to his teacher, and then I meditated. A few things settled in: (1) Today wasn’t going to go according to plan, so there would have to be a new plan. (2) There were a few things I needed to get done today, but in truth, most things could be shifted to another day, and, perhaps most important (3) being able to stay home with my son, nurture his good health, and spend time with him one-on-one is a nonrenewable resource. It might not have been my plan for the day, but it was a kind of gift. There have been many days in his childhood when I would have had to send him to school or daycare and hope for the best, days when the demands on my time were much more numerous and, well, demanding. But I’m at a different, more gracious place in life at this moment, so I decided to make the best of it. One day he won’t live at home and I won’t be in the privileged position of nurturing him. But we had today.
My Erin Condren planner at right…and the new plan at left
Make a New Plan
I like planning. Even when the plan doesn’t work out, it brings me comfort to have a framework, to know what my intentions for the day were. Somewhat counterintuitively, this is especially helpful when the plans fall apart, because I can easily see what I’ve prioritized for the day. I don’t have to waste time figuring out what to do with my limited time. I use an Erin Condren planner routinely and map out what I intend to do each day. Sometimes I plan out the whole week one fell swoop at a time, and sometimes I do it day by day. Fortunately, I had already mapped out what I most needed to get done today, which brings me to…
Prioritize and Partition Work Tasks
I think one of the biggest skills I have learned as a working parent is how to take a big task and break it into small pieces. As a working parent, I find myself constantly asking how I can make progress on something in fifteen-minute increments. I love deep, uninterrupted spaces to write, create, study, and read, but those are a luxury that this phase of life doesn’t always afford. Instead, I’ve had to change the way I work. (SO much change when you become a parent!!!) So, I sat down and figured out the things I really needed to get done and how I could break those into small chunks.
The second part of this is to then determine what your child will do during these uninterrupted work times. We limit screen time pretty strictly in our house, but on a sick day screen time can be both useful (for the working parent) and restful for the active child who needs to slow down and get busy feeling better. As a general rule, I try to limit screen time to no more than 40 minutes a pop. That’s about two “kid shows” back to back.
Some activities that he did independently while I worked:
Made a costume out of cardboard (he came up with this activity, but cardboard boxes are surprisingly engaging to children of all ages!)
Watched two shows (~40 min)
Painted with watercolors
Did some learning games on his school tablet (~30 min)
One activity that we didn’t do today, but is a great go-to that we’ve used on other occasions, is getting in the bathtub. My son has a set of plastic dinosaurs that he plays with in the tub, but any water-tolerant toy works well. Other bathtub activities that can occupy a child include painting with a paintbrush (with plain water), washing toys or dolls, playing with glow sticks, using colorful bath bombs, or pouring things into and out of containers. Of course, this is only fair game if your child is old enough to be safely independent in the bathtub. Even at my son’s age (five years old), I make sure to check on him when it gets too quiet in the bathroom!
Some of our together time…learning to read!
Plan Together Time
I also wanted to make sure that my son and I were having a good day together. As my daughter said at the bus stop with a little question mark in her voice, “You’ll play with him a little bit, though.” I assured her that, of course I would. Interspersed with my planned work sessions, I also planned some activities we’d do together. These included:
Taking a walk in the woods (also one of my New Years’ Resolutions to do daily)
Working on his reading skills and reading together (something we are working on regularly)
Eating lunch
Playing outside (with his sister once she got home)
Use a Timer and Set Your Expectations
Now lest you imagine that this all went seamlessly and without interruption, let me drop you back down to earth. My son could and would talk from the moment he wakes up (earlier than everyone else, remember) to the moment his sweet little head hits the pillow (and beyond). So, just because mommy’s at the computer, with headphones on and her best “leave me alone” look on her face doesn’t mean that he won’t start right in giving me the play-by-play, brushstroke-by-brushstroke account of how he painted his narwhal. That’s when a timer becomes useful. I found it helpful to tell my son that I am going to work for 5 or 10 or 15 or 20 more minutes without interruption and then we’re going to do something together. The more I’m interrupted the longer it will take for me to finish, I explain. This didn’t work perfectly either. It’s kind of like reminding kids constantly to say please and thank you or to clear their plates after (every single) dinner; it requires repeating. But it does set up some helpful boundaries for the child, as well as some limits for the working parent. When the timer goes off, I usually try to give a little grace period–to either myself or to my children–to apply the finishing touches to the activity. But then we stop and do something together. This also means that when we’re doing something together I fully focus on that too.
If you’re thinking that there’s quite a bit of context-switching and multi-tasking in the day I’m describing, you’re absolutely right. So I think it’s also important to…
Our rest expert
Build in Rest
My kids do an hour of quiet time every day. This used to be called nap time and it used to be multiple hours a day and it used to be glorious. But somewhere along the line we traded sleeping consistently through the night for a shorter respite during the day. We are firm on this tradition, week day, weekend, rain or shine. They need it, but I think we need it more.
During the early days of the pandemic, I tried to work through this time, feeling that every spare minute to work was needed. At that time it felt like it was, and there are still many a day when I have to do something productive during that time just to get it all done. But I’ve discovered that late afternoon (when my kids do their quiet time) is rarely my freshest or most productive time of day. Often I’m just spinning my wheels. So, now I often use that time for rest–either listening to a book, doing work I enjoy (like creative writing), exercising, getting outside, or even taking a power nap. I use the time to reboot so that I have energy and patience for the evening ahead (when my children are typically at their most challenging).
Working these types of “activities” into a sick day is also great role modeling (I hope) of how to take care of yourself when you’re not feeling well. When your body is feeling unwell you’re not supposed to drive harder. You’re supposed to rest, eat well, and drink water. Kids learn so much from what we do and less from what we say (unless, apparently, we’re swearing or gossiping about fellow family members and then they’re drinking it all in). One lesson I have to keep learning is that you should do what you want your kids to do. If I want my kids to be stressed, overworked, perpetually frantic adults, then it’s fine to burn every candle at both ends all the time. If, however, I want them to be healthy, well-adjusted adults, then I have to be one too…or at least fake it pretty convincingly.
Our modified schedule for the day
Find Your “Capsule Schedule”
You’ve heard of a capsule wardrobe and maybe even a capsule menu. I think a capsule schedule can be really helpful too. My capsule schedule is this: Meditate, Walk, Breakfast. Generally, I do these three things within the first couple of hours of every week day. Weekends I sleep as late as possible and then sit around drinking coffee for as long as possible, so these activities are spread out throughout the day and I generally skip the meditation. My “capsule schedule” (as I have literally just started calling it) sets the tone for my day. These three activities feed my body, mind, and soul before I do anything else (but after I get my kids ready for school and take them to the bus stop). I’ve learned that putting these activities early in the day tends to improve the rest of the day and so I will prioritize doing these things–even when the day unfolds very differently than how it was supposed to.
A caveat: When I had really small children, one of whom didn’t sleep through the night until age three…and a half… AND I had a full-time job AND a super long commute AND I was magically the only adult in the house who knew how to wash dishes, advice like this used to infuriate me. Sure, I’d think to myself, I’ll just hand Blaine and Chandler over to the nanny and hit the personal gym and steam room down on the first floor of my mansion before meeting with my personal assistant to map out my highly productive and rewarding day. Only plebes slam coffee and then race (late) to daycare and (later) to work with giant bags under their eyes and a Tylenol PM hangover.
I’m in a better phase of life now. My children sleep through the night. My work is super flexible and home-based. I have massive control over my time for about five hours every week day. Life has its seasons, and this is a pretty good one. But if you’re not in such a forgiving season, there is nothing wrong with you. You’re not doing it wrong, and there’s nothing wrong with your kids or your skills as a parent. It’s just where you’re at right now, and pretty much the only thing that’s guaranteed is that it will change.
My advice to my former self would be to prioritize sleep, then food, and then maybe one thing would help set my mind right (for me, that’s exercise). With the exception of sleeping, those are all things you can do with a child right next to you. That may not be the ideal way you’d do them, but you can. (Also, remember what I said about the closet). I would have told my former self to work waaaay less hard for other people and reminded myself that crying never killed anyone…not a child, not a boss, not a partner. Not eating or sleeping, or driving half asleep, however, almost certainly has killed lots of people.
Choose Favorites
I think it’s OK for sick days to be good days. So activities–as long as they promote wellness–can be special. Whether this is the opportunity to watch a favorite show, even though it’s two o’clock on a Tuesday, or take a long walk with your grandfather, or cuddle on the couch, or cut up all the cardboard boxes in the house to make a full body scarecrow costume, so be it. Especially if your child is truly, truly ill and your whole day is spent cleaning up different vomit locations (been there), it’s probably worth remembering that the whole purpose of a sick day is about taking care of yourself and/or taking care of those you love. Even if that wasn’t the original plan for the day, as plans go, that feels like a good one.
(A final note: I didn’t plan to write this blog post. It wasn’t written in my planner. But, guess what? My carefully mapped out plans went awry and inspired my first blog post in over a year. As a working mother, life often feels like an elaborate house of cards–one small breeze of disruption sends the whole thing toppling to the ground. But reality–messy and unexpected–can sometimes yield some happy accidents.)
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