The Drop
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RESEARCH THAT HITS HOME
One of the most stressful experiences in my life as a working mother--and I fear, one of the most stressful in my kids' lives--is morning drop-off at daycare. Morning drop-off is such a tumultuous affair that for quite a while I considered calling this blog The Drop.
During my pregnancy with my first child, I ran into one of my former professors, a mother of three. She gave me two pieces of advice. She said, "When you're tired, don't clean, sleep," and, "Have Dad do drop-off. The child separates more easily from the father, and it will be easier on you." Actually, three pieces of advice: "Don't wear mascara the first week you go back to work." The first piece of advice I didn't follow at all (though I should have...it's great advice), but the second I did, and for a while it worked well. (The third quickly became irrelevant. Who has time for mascara?)
But now I spend three hours a day commuting and I don't have a sweet baby who can instantly cause my blood pressure to drop just by snuggling in my arms. I have two crazy toddlers who go EXTRA bonkers after five p.m.
Photo by Sai De Silva on Unsplash
Now, I do morning drop-off most days because, despite guilt-ridden and tearful goodbyes, I'm just too tired in the afternoon to be the kind of mother I want to be when my four-year-old treats the ride home like an interview at Guantanamo Bay and my two-year-old treats it like his debut as the singer in a punk band.
Drop-off isn't easy. But I've noticed that it's also a lot harder at my kids' current school than it was at their former one, and this has caused me to think many more times than once about some of the differences. From personal and anecdotal experience I can say a few things: When a child has a good and consistent relationship with their primary classroom teacher and that classroom teacher is the person who greets them in the morning, it makes a huge difference in how well or how badly drop off goes. Likewise, if that caregiver gives the child individualized attention--even for a few minutes--and relatively quickly takes charge, drop-off seems to go much more smoothly.
In our old daycare, this was how things went. One of my kids' two primary teachers would always greet us in the morning and would stand ready to take my infant son into her arms or to give a particular individual greeting to my daughter. At our new school, the morning drop-off is usually covered by teachers who are neither of my kids' primary teachers. Some teachers greet the kids enthusiastically, but some don't. There are a lot of kids and very few teachers, meaning that there's little individual attention, and the kids are expected to play on their own. Part of this latter attitude maybe that my kids' current school is a Montessori school, where learning and activity are supposed to be self-directed, and part may be that they're older now--the presumption being they don't need as much hand-holding. Nevertheless, I've noticed a huge difference in how my children react. At the former school, drop-off was smooth. At the new school, it took months before my son stopped crying at morning drop-off, and sometimes it still happens. Both kids are way more clingy than they ever were before, even though we've been at their current school over a year now.
Photo by Hannah Olinger on Unsplash
Based on this experience I decided to look at the research, and see whether there is any literature about the morning drop-off. What does research have to say about the drop-off? The short answer? Not much.
Daddy Drop-off
In a recent study on "escorting" by Han et al., researchers found that--no surprise--mothers tended to do more daycare and school drop-off than fathers. In families of low to moderate education levels and low to moderate income levels, fathers were more likely to do morning drop-off than mothers. Interestingly, as income and education levels increased, the likelihood of mothers doing morning drop-off increased. Another interesting fact? As the children got older, mothers still played an active escorting role, as did non-family members or the children themselves (think, walking to school), while fathers' participation in escorting dropped.
Educators' perspectives
While one center director interviewed in this article by Sims et al. noted that children with mental health concerns tended to have difficulty with drop-off (as well as many other aspects of the day at childcare) none discussed their role or parents' roles in easing the drop-off process. Indeed, many of the childcare professionals interviewed in the article felt there was insufficient training in their education in how to deal with child and parent mental health issues, suggesting that managing child and parent stresses may be a cause of stress for teachers themselves.
Strategies for a Smoother Drop-off
Not finding much in academic research on the topic of drop-off, I turned to other sources. An article by Allan Britnell in Today's Parent offered concrete tips for improving drop-off, including: dropping off at a consistent time, prepping the child for what's about to happen, providing a familiar object (stuffed animal, etc.), not sneaking away but not lingering either, not offering rewards or doling out threats to try to modify the child's behavior, and trying to reduce your own stress. (For a hilarious take on the drop-off experience check out this piece by Rachel D'Apice in Working Mother magazine.)
In my own experience, this latter piece of advice seems to impact my kids' drop-off experiences the most. If I am in a rush, they are clingy. While it's tempting to believe this is the result of their attempts to thwart me--just like their ability to wipe their noses on my work pants right before I need to walk out the door--I think the ball is more decidedly in my court. On stressful, rushed mornings, drop-off is the culmination of multiple earlier incidents when I have hurried them up, rushed them along, or walked away from them to get something necessary done.
While I do feel that aspects of a childcare center, a child's relationship with the teachers present for morning drop-off, as well as the teachers' interactions with kids all impact the drop-off experience for both children and their parents, more research in this area is definitely needed. Until then, the tiny voice of experience in my head will be guiding me to slow the heck down during morning drop-off and to make that last kiss decisive.
Do you have tips for improving daycare drop-off? Share them in the comments section below.
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