research that hits home
This is the final post in a four-part series about the Positive Caregiving Checklist. Please scroll to the bottom for links to the previous three weeks' posts.
ELIMINATE NEGATIVE INTERACTIONS
They sneak that one in there right at the end, don't they? I recently shared with another mom that I keep The Positive Caregiving Checklist on my refrigerator, as a reminder to be a good mom. "That's hard to do sometimes," she said. Amen, sister.
positive caregiving
because they're worth the work
Perfection is impossible, but I suspect that many parents feel as I do: Parenting is a privilege and an awesome responsibility. We really, really want to do it well. It can be incredibly discouraging when we don't, especially if we see ourselves doing things we vowed not to do. I work on this every day and have, by no means, found the secret, but here are just a few strategies that have helped me reduce negative interactions with my children.
1) Get enough sleep. If you have a child who's not sleeping through the night, advice like this can feel like a slap in the face. I get it. But, wherever and whenever possible, get your sleep. Even if that means hiring someone to babysit so you can sleep. Also, understand that sometimes you're acting a certain way not because you're a terrible person, but because you're exhausted.
meditate
step back and ask, "am I being the parent I want to be?"
2) Walk away. An infant or toddler can be safely placed in a crib or pack and play. An older child can be calmly deposited in their room for some "reflection time." Sometimes, the only way to keep my cool is to extricate myself from the situation. It usually doesn't take long, but those few moments can be crucial for preventing the snarling witch inside me from coming out.
3) Meditate. I understand that this isn't everyone's cup of tea, but this really works for me. In particular, the ability to step back and examine one's self or a given situation without attachment, can be very helpful in the midst of a trying situation. Sometimes just the ability to step back before you react can let in that crucial thought...am I being the parent I want to be?
wine
sometimes makes things worse :(
4) Limit alcohol and sugary foods. Again, this might not be true for everyone, but I have noticed that if I am tired and stressed, I often reach for quick energy in the form of sweets. This can backfire for me because the spike of energy is fast, but the crash is steep. Just dealing with the up and down of my energy level can be taxing, and lots of energy is integral to parenting well. It probably goes without saying, but I'll say it just in case, that this goes for kids too (times ten). My daughter before a doughnut is an angel; after a doughnut, she is a Tasmanian devil. Expecting children to behave well with lots of sugar on board is both unfair and unrealistic. On a somewhat related note, I have noticed that sometimes--not always, but sometimes--if I have a glass of wine or a beer, it makes it harder for me to step back and slow my reaction (or over-reaction) to things at home. It seems to be mostly true when I am already quite tired and stressed. The glass of wine meant to relax me actually just makes everything worse.
misbehavior is a teaching opportunity
teach the lesson & then move on
5) Don't hold grudges. Most of the time when my children misbehave it's because of some basic need that isn't being met: they're hungry, they're tired, or they're not feeling well. Aside from these causes, I've realized that my children are often "misbehaving" because they haven't yet been taught how they're supposed to behave. I think most of us assume that, as parents, we'll teach our children how to walk and how to read, but don't consider that we also have to teach them how to be kind to others, how to manage anger, how to tell the truth, and so on. Most of their misbehavior is unintentional, and therefore it's best not to hold a grudge. Just because they've done something undesirable doesn't mean they're trying to goad you or that they're a bad kid. Misbehavior is a teaching opportunity. Once the lesson is over, let it drop. Sometimes the lesson has to be repeated, sure, but that still doesn't mean the behavior is necessarily willful. I didn't learn to drive after my first driving lesson. Neither will my daughter learn how to share with her brother after the first lesson.
Not holding a grudge goes for how we treat ourselves (and our co-parents) as well. The mistakes we make as parents are learning opportunities. As we do with our children, we should move on once the lesson is over. Otherwise, we risk stewing in negative emotion that will only make another outburst more likely.
Being a good parent is, I think, like training for a marathon, or studying for the bar exam, or maybe even like boot camp. While you're going through it, it sometimes seems impossibly hard. It is exhausting. At times, it seems to bring out the worst in you. But, at moments, the clouds clear and a ray of realization dawns on you...almost nothing in life makes us so strong or forces us to grow so much. We help our children grow up and they help us grow up.
Do you have tips for incorporating positive caregiving into your family or classroom? Share them here!
